Amy Lokken shares her journey from rural Wisconsin to industrial design, entrepreneurship, and caregiving advocacy, plus how resilience, creativity, and soul‑led work shaped her path.
Check Out These Highlights:
Amy Lokken’s story is one of reinvention, resilience, and soul‑led pivots. Growing up on a Wisconsin dairy farm taught her resourcefulness and creativity, lessons she carried into a career in retail design and eventually into launching Mood Modular, her award‑winning marketing display system. When life shifted, and she became the primary caregiver for her parents through cancer and Lewy body dementia, Amy turned her experience into a support group that helped families for over 15 years.
In this episode, Amy shares how those life chapters shaped her perspective, why she believes women need spaces to be “seen without being exposed,” and how The Amy Factor grew out of her desire to help others navigate heavy life experiences with authenticity and presence. Listeners will walk away with insights on resilience, caregiving, and the power of real connection.
About Amy Lokken:
Amy Lokken is an industrial designer, entrepreneur, and founder of The Amy Factor. She helps women and caregivers create space for authenticity and connection, blending her background in design, marketing, and lived caregiving experience into work that supports resilience and community.
Connect with Amy:
🌐 Website: https://theamyfactor.com/
💼 LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/amylokken/
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theamylokken/
🎁 Free Resource: https://theamyfactor.com/the-sophisticated-caregiver/
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My guest today is Amy Lokken, founder of The Amy Factor, where she helps high-performing women navigate heavy seasons with more self-respect and grace under pressure. In this conversation, Amy shares how growing up on a dairy farm in rural Wisconsin shaped the way she sees responsibility, caregiving, and resilience. We talk about the invisible weight so many women carry, the emotional labor that often goes unnamed, and why hearing the right words at the right time can make someone finally feel understood. This episode is honest, compassionate, and full of moments that will make you feel a little less alone.
Toby Myles: Hey, Amy. Welcome to the podcast.
Amy Lokken: Hey, Toby. Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited for this conversation.
Toby Myles: I, I'm excited too. I know that this has been a long time coming, at least from my perspective. I have wanted to have you on the show. Um, and we're both busy, and we both have a lot of things going on in our lives, as we have shared many times privately.
Um, and so it's not always easy to carve out time for things like this, even though they're things that we wanna do. So I just want you to know I really appreciate you being here. Um, and I think this is gonna be a super fun conversation. So I like to share with, um, my listeners how we know each other. And, um- Oddly enough, earlier this week, um, I had Theresa Thomas on the podcast, and your name came up, so you'll have a chance to listen to that episode, because there's a lot of connections going on here.
And, um, when she shared, I had her share how we knew each other, because she tells it better than I do. Um, there was a lot of serendipity. Um, and I wanna say, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, but Theresa was the one that connected us. Is that right? Or was it Elle?
Amy Lokken: I think it, um, I think it... Oh, my God. I know.
It's one of the two.
Toby Myles: Okay.
Amy Lokken: And it, they're kind of one and the same in a lot- Yeah ... of ways. Um-
Toby Myles: Yes.
Amy Lokken: Yes. And yeah, it, it's one or the other and... But either way, it was very, um, very serendipity in how, um- Mm-hmm ... both of those incredible women, um, brought, um, us together, so.
Toby Myles: Yeah, yeah. Yeah,
Amy Lokken: fun.
Toby Myles: And I, and I feel like, and maybe this has been your experience too, is that, like, amazing women know other amazing women.
And w- what I love is when someone comes to me and says, "Oh, I just had this conversation." Like, "This is somebody I think you should know." Without any expectation of where that's gonna go, just putting two people together that you feel like should know each other, uh, is one of the most, um, beautiful and supportive things that I think we can do for each other as women.
You can never have enough support, especially from other women, I feel like. Mm-hmm. And so, so you're right, however we got here, um, and it's been like several years now, right?
Amy Lokken: It has been, yeah, it has. And I would have to, just to piggyback on what you were just saying there, um, Toby, I think it's the, um, soul-filling conversations- Yeah
that end up coming from them. And that's what I feel when I listen to your podcast. Aw.
Toby Myles: It's...
Amy Lokken: And, and when I think of, um, you know, having conversations with you and all of our past and, and all that, it's, um, there's a, um... It makes my soul happy. Yeah. And, and we as women I think can do a better job of supporting.
Toby Myles: Yes. I would agree with that. And I know that any time you and I have talked, um, I know it's gonna be an amazing conversation. I just know that from the very first time we ever did, and I know, like, we are very much like, um, there's really no time for small talk. Like, we really get into it.
Amy Lokken: Yeah, we don't run on top of any water.
No. Like, we're diving deep.
Toby Myles: We're, we're going deep. G- go deep or go home. That's right. Um, so I would love for you to kind of take me back to either, like, a moment in time that seems significant, or maybe it didn't seem significant at that time, or maybe it was like- Around a certain time period or, like, a cluster of moments that you feel like really kind of influenced the path that you're on right now?
Amy Lokken: Oh, I think that's such an interesting, um, question because I think there's... We have so many blips in our life that, um, that forge us and, and mold us. And, um, you know, but I, when I h- when I hear you ask that question, for me, um, I've always believed regardless of where I ended up in life that I never, um, it was important to never forget where I came from.
Mm-hmm. So I think for me growing up, um, on a dairy farm in, um, rural Wisconsin was, um, a really... I think it forged me, and so- sometimes people are surprised that I grew up on a dairy farm.
Toby Myles: Yeah.
Amy Lokken: And, um, you know, but at the same time, um- That was really a, a, like the beginning of, of me, and somewhere along the way I lost me.
Mm-hmm. And, um, but again, it's like you can't forget where you c- where you came from, which kind of always brings you back to, to yourself. Mm-hmm. To who you really are. Mm-hmm. You know, I, um, you know, youngest of six, major age difference, um- Mm-hmm ... between me and my oldest sibling, 16 years.
Toby Myles: Wow.
Amy Lokken: Six and a half between me and the one before me.
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: So born in, you know, as I approach 55 this year, you know, born early '70s, grew up as that feral child in the '80s. Probably still in the '70s as well, but- ... you know, I mean, you know, I grew up, you know, not in the normal sense of what you would think of, you know, a, a girl growing up on a farm. You know, my parents, um, you know, were older.
They cash cropped. They sold the cows when I was, like, eight, so it wasn't like I was out there, you know, milking the cows. Can I drive a tractor? Sure. Mm-hmm. Um, you know, but, you know, I was surrounded by, you know, nature and different, um, materials, and having to learn how to problem solve with minimal, um, resources.
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: So I, I think that really, um, yeah, paved the way, you know?
Toby Myles: Yeah.
Amy Lokken: And as much as a age difference I had between my siblings, there was always, um... you know, I was, I was born a h- a high performer.
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: You know? I, um, didn't have language for it then, but I realized throughout, you know, the last few, um, decades that, you know, I internally have this instinct on being able to read a room- Mm-hmm
to read people, to see things that others maybe don't see. Mm-hmm. Um, and I think a huge part of that comes from realizing that I, uh, had probably, was on some form of the, um, dyslexia, um, spectrum- Mm-hmm ... um, that I didn't realize until I was, like, ready to turn 40 or- Wow ... turned 40, which was really interesting.
But it, um... and I'm, I'm grateful for that because it forced me to figure out how to learn my way.
Toby Myles: Yeah.
Amy Lokken: You know? Yeah.
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: So I don't remember my, um, oldest, um, sibling being in our house as a child. I remember my great-grandmother-
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm ...
Amy Lokken: being there. Mm-hmm. Um, I mean, good Lord, I was my sister's flower girl.
Um, I was three, turned three a month to the day before her wedding, so I'll always know the day, how many years I've been there.
Toby Myles: Yeah. Yep.
Amy Lokken: You know? But that's, that's interesting. That's weird. But I also knew that, I knew I felt I needed to live up to- The other five siblings
Toby Myles: Mm. Mm-hmm
Amy Lokken: And yet felt so different from
Toby Myles: them Mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: Mm-hmm You know? I didn't marry a high school sweetheart. I moved 1,200 miles away to go to school. Mm-hmm. You know, I wanted to, you know, go to school in New York, and ended up in Denver, Colorado, sight unseen, and, and all these interesting things, but knew the sister before me, the one thing I felt I was better at than her, which she was like, you know, on a pedestal to me-
being the one right before me, um, was I was better at art than she was.
Toby Myles: Okay.
Amy Lokken: So yeah. So hence the industrial design degree.
Toby Myles: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So is that something that... So you knew that at a, a young age that that was, that, that you would go into something arts-related?
Amy Lokken: I did actually. I did. Mm. Um, it was one of those things where, um...
You know, my dad taught me how to weld at like, I don't know, seven, eight. Oh my God. I was really young. Wow. Yeah, really young. So I may not be able to drive a tractor real great, but I do know how to weld. You know, but it, it, yeah, I, um, I did. I always knew I wanted to do something creative, but in, um, but I also, uh, learned how to tell myself I wasn't smart enough to be, you know, to go into being a lawyer or a psychologist or...
Which, um, makes me sad-
Toby Myles: Yeah. Yeah,
Amy Lokken: yeah ... when I, when I, um, verbally say that out loud. Mm-hmm. Um, but at the same time, it, um, I never lost my intrigue with psychology, for instance.
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: So, um, going into industrial design, I had that ability to go into industrial psychology and... So it, it's kind of interesting how it all, um, encapsulates itself.
Mm-hmm. But knowing that I wanted to be an artist, you know- Mm-hmm ... I, I had, um, big dreams of, you know, the, um, artist loft in New York City and, and all the things, you know, I had. Yeah. You know, growing up, you know, on the farm, you know, I always, um, had connections to obviously being outside in nature, but I was always drawn to beautiful things.
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: And, um, the energy of big cities and that excitement of that. Mm-hmm. And I never really understood why, and then I realized that, oh, but if I become an artist, I'm too much of a people pleaser. Mm. So that's gonna be really hard for me to... Um, 'cause I think there's a distinction between an artist and a designer.
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: An artist, it's very, um, very personal, so you're fulfilling kind of that. Where a designer, you're, um, filling the desires of your client.
Toby Myles: Right. Yeah. Yeah, the distinction between, because I went to art school, and the distinction between art that you make for yourself and what we used to call commercial art- Yep
that art that you make for a client with your sensibilities and your knowledge of, you know, how to communicate something visually, but it's somebody else is paying for it, so you have to take that into account, too. So how- I, I wanna just, before we leave the farm, like I wanna go back to the farm for a minute, um, because I don't know if I knew that about you.
And I would never look at Amy today and think, "Well, this girl grew up on a farm." I'd be like, "This girl probably g- like, came from New York City."
Amy Lokken: But yeah, I think
Toby Myles: that's so- Which I think is, is so, such a, so interesting. So, um, you, you mentioned that your, your parents sold the cattle.
Amy Lokken: Mm-hmm.
Toby Myles: But did you stay on the farm, like up until you went off to college?
Amy Lokken: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Toby Myles: Okay, okay.
Amy Lokken: Yeah. Yeah. We, um, yeah, they just, um, they just sold the cows and- Yeah ... you know, kept the chickens and, um, raised beef cattle for, oh my gosh- Okay ... my brother just stopped. Um, so my brother owns the family farm, lives next to it. Um- Mm-hmm ... beautiful story. He's my only brother, and the second oldest, and his oldest daughter and her family, um, live on the farm, um, and live in the homestead.
Uh, my brother just had his 12th grandchild. Um- Wow. Yeah. And they all live within, like a, I'll just say a five-mile radius, um- Mm-hmm ... from them, which is actually really cool. So no, my, um, yeah. It, it's still there and I, um, like I said, we cash cropped and different things. But, um, yeah- Mm ... the whole milking thing was not for me.
Toby Myles: Yes. Yeah. So okay, so you, you s- you leave. You go off to school.
Amy Lokken: Mm-hmm.
Toby Myles: Um, and o- I mean, did you... It, it sounds like you really stayed focused on this, this vision of this life and career that you wanted to have. So kind of take me through from like, you know, A- Amy has left the nest. She's left the farm and she's out in the world.
Like, what was that period of life like for you?
Amy Lokken: Yeah, you know, um, like I said, I went to, um, the Art Institute of Colorado in Denver- Mm-hmm ... um, literally had never stepped foot in the state, let alone Denver. Mm-hmm. So here my parents are driving their, you know, youngest, um, 1,200 miles across country to literally drop her off with- Mm-hmm
no form of transportation to get back home. You know, I think about that now and I think, oh my gosh, late '80s, early '90s, I had no cell phone. No. You, you called- Yeah ... whacked, and they hung up and called you back. Right. Um, yeah, so that, you know, it, it was wild. It was one of those, uh, my dad and I kind of argued about driving into Denver.
One of us wanted to drive, and here it was my mom who actually drove in to- Mm-hmm ... the city of Denver during rush hour, which was a totally different experience than driving into Minneapolis. Um- Mm-hmm ... so yeah. You know, uh, went out there, got my industrial design degree. Um, worked out there for a few years.
Um, long story short, uh, moved back for all the wrong reasons. Um, I have no idea where he is today.
Toby Myles: We all have at least one of those.
Amy Lokken: We do. Probably best that, um, we don't know where each other is today. You know, uh, yeah, ended up, um, working for, um, the second leg- largest, um, retail leasing company at the time.
Um, and I, um, they ended up creating, um, different positions for me. I started out as a, um, a merchandiser tur- went into, um, retail design. So I would work with, at that time they were called specialty tenants. Mm-hmm. And, um, worked in that industry for about 15 years. Um, spent a couple years in the, um, high-end interior design firm, and went back to, um, working for the shopping center industry, where I traveled, um, around to a few different states, uh, doing different, um, mall openings for them and, um, being in charge of, um, different common areas and, and different things like that, and as a contract service.
And then 2008 happened, and we went into, um, 2009, and the end of 2008, I actually suspended my contracts for non-payment.
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: And at that time I was, um, I had six properties that I, um, between Wisconsin and Minnesota, that I was in charge of. And, um, yeah. They ended up filing bankruptcy, and, um, I knew I had to reinvent myself, so I, um, went down the road of, okay, well, here I am.
Um- What am I gonna do now? I'm pretty much unemployable since I've been a, you know, contracted service the last five years- Mm-hmm ... and set my own schedule and, and all that. And, uh, decided to take a little idea, um, and design a, um, marketing display system, um, to basically replace myself inside the common area of a shopping center, which- Mm-hmm
um, became Mood Modular. And, um, while I was doing that, my parents' health declined, my dad's in particular, and he could no longer care for himself, um, or my mom. Uh, my dad had cancer, my mom had Lewy body dementia. And my dad's going into a clinical trial, um, here in Eau Claire. They li- I grew up about 30 miles south of here, um, and became their primary caregiver- Mm
while I continued on building Mood. Mm-hmm. So, yeah.
Toby Myles: Yeah. Yeah, and you were, um, you were very successful in that business, right? You won awards and- Yeah.
Amy Lokken: You know, it- ... um,
Toby Myles: kept it going for quite, quite some years.
Amy Lokken: Yeah. You know, in fact, you know, it is still alive today. It's just, you know, taken a little bit different, um, form.
I will always, um, be available for my, my g- you know, past Mood Modular clients and anybody- Mm-hmm ... they connect me to. It's, um... You know, the world's changed, so the, um- For
Toby Myles: sure ...
Amy Lokken: you know, the, the building of the product is, um, you know, has a longer, um, timeline- Mm-hmm ... than it used to. And, you know, my local printer is now, you know, not local local.
They're, you know, an hour and a half away and, you know. So yeah, it, it's changed, um, quite a bit, but you know, it, it allowed me to meet some pretty incredible people. I got to, um, you know, share my knowledge of, you know, uh, visual presence marketing and, and, you know, doing trade shows and all of those things on a, you know, couple TV shows.
And yeah, so I, um- Couldn't be more happier with what that produced for me, so.
Toby Myles: Yeah, yeah. And so, um, and so I know that you have, you mentioned your mom, um, having Lewy body dementia. Mm-hmm. Um, and I know that we have shared m- conversations around that, because my brother had Parkinson's, um, and there's some similarities.
Um- Yeah ... and so I know that that, um, you're dealing with that and what you had to learn about th- that, um, disease kind of, um, had you s- had you doing some other sort of, um, projects that maybe you never imagined that you would do, right? And I think that's kind of like how life goes sometimes, right? You f- Yeah
you find that something that you experience that maybe you think, "Wow, I could take what I learned about this and help other people." Um, not something you ever would have planned for, but it was life. It was what you were dealing with. So can you talk about that experience a little bit?
Amy Lokken: Yeah, absolutely. You know it, um, you know, my mom, um, Lewy body dementia, when we heard those words, we were like, "Lew- what?"
You know? Right, mm-hmm. I even have a sister who's a geri- who, um, has been in, uh, geriatric care for her entire career, and, um, talk about the... And she's my angel that walks this earth. But, um, she had never heard of Lewy body dementia.
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm,
Amy Lokken: mm-hmm. And, um, yeah, I mean, there's major, uh, my mom had Parkinsonisms, so she had different aspects of that.
Mm-hmm. And, you know, it was, um... It's, it's interesting how blips in life, um- alter your path a little bit or, um, you know, direct you to be doing something, um, that's very soul and heart-led. Mm-hmm. And through that, um, you know, caring for both my parents, having them here in my home till their very end, you know, was, was interesting in my 30s to say the least.
And, and I felt very alone in a lot of ways. Like, w- I have a very close knit with, uh, my siblings even though there's, um, an age gap. Mm-hmm. Um, we actually are a really close, um, knit family, but until you're there 24/7 you don't know, um, you really don't know what that is like. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you can take them for the weekend, you can come and spend, um, you know, even a week with them, but it's, it's not the same- Yeah
like it's 24/7.
Toby Myles: Yep.
Amy Lokken: And, uh, so my sister who's a nurse came on Wednesdays 'cause she, um, got done early and went in late the next day. Um, so she would come on Wednesdays. Um, if she wasn't able to, um, it was the night my husband wasn't officiating football or basketball, and I chose that night to, um, take for myself to start and facilitate a support group for other caregivers of Lewy body dementia-
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm
Amy Lokken: um, patients. So ran that for 15 years and, um, yeah, what a journey that was. But, um, often speak still to this day on my lessons learned as a daughter, um- Mm-hmm ... going through that journey and, and understanding- Yeah ... know way too much about the disease personally, but-
Toby Myles: Yeah ...
Amy Lokken: well, it's interesting how, how those pieces of life, um, alter your c- your-
Toby Myles: Oh, yeah
Amy Lokken: trajectory.
Toby Myles: Yeah, for sure. I, um, I always say that I had the, um- Actually honor to me, maybe you feel this way in some way, of, um, helping to care for my mom when she was diagnosed with lung cancer. I had just, um, separated from my first husband, and so my kids and I moved in with my parents until we could figure out where we were gonna land.
And, uh, it wasn't long after that that my mom was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, and, um, you know, honestly she never really recovered emotionally or physically. Um, you know, it was, it was a, a pretty steady decline from diagnosis to when she passed, um, six months later. And I just remember, like, this sort of divine timing, like, of all the times and of all the years and moments in life for my kids and I to be there was to be there to, one, help my dad so he didn't have to do everything himself, but also to, to be there with my mom in whatever way, um, I could to, to have that time with her.
Um, uh, but to your point, you're exactly right. Like, unless you're in it 24/7, it is really hard to know what that's like. When you, when someone can come in, and I take nothing away from people who come in and give you relief, because people have lives and responsibilities, and not everybody is in that position, right?
I understand that fully. But, um, but to come in and spend even 24 hours and then go back to your regular life is very different than being in it 24/7. Um-
Amy Lokken: Absolutely.
Toby Myles: Yeah. Yeah. And, and-
Amy Lokken: And, and ... Oh, go ahead.
Toby Myles: And the fact that you, even with that, still had the, um, desire and the heart to then help other people going through the same, um, experience with that disease is just- Like, I would think you would just want to do anything instead of take a break from your family.
Go to a movie, go whatever. Go out, take yourself out to dinner. Um, but yet you still, you know, uh, whether it was a calling or I'm not sure what, how you would describe it, but to, to take everything that you had experienced and then turn around and help other people, um, with their journey is, is pretty remarkable.
Amy Lokken: Aw. Well, thank you. And, you know, um, it, it was a blessing and an honor, as you say, that you had with your mom. And, um, and, and I 100% believe that that was, um, an honor for me to have my parents. Um, I remember joking growing up saying my siblings will always have them longer than I will. Yeah. So to have them for their last few years,
Toby Myles: um-
Amy Lokken: Mm-hmm
was a really special gift, and very much an honor. You know, I, I saw what my mom did-
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm ...
Amy Lokken: thinking back to growing up and, um, you know, seeing her, um, care for her grandmother and her mother and father-in-law and, and everything. I really knew no other way- Mm-hmm ... than
Toby Myles: when,
Amy Lokken: uh, when my dad couldn't, and okay, so here I am, I'm able to.
Um- Mm-hmm ... I will also say that, um, I, I agree, I get it. I... It's not easy. Uh, people do have lives, and to come in and then go back to, to their normal life. The other thing is is what we did, you and I being there for them, wasn't, um, isn't meant for everyone.
Toby Myles: Right.
Amy Lokken: You know? It, um, doesn't make me or you special and really- Right
it's just, it's not meant for everyone. Yeah. Like, not everybody's meant to, um, to do that. Mm-hmm. But if you're able to figure out how to even for those 24 hours or those, you know, two hours or that hour, whatever, um, there is such an, a rewarding, um, component to-
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah ...
Amy Lokken: you know. And, um, you know, it was, it was a passion of mine and I didn't know what the disease was.
I couldn't imagine. I was in my 30s caring for my, my mom. Mm-hmm. I couldn't imagine what it was like caring for, um, a spouse, uh, uh, dealing with this and being, you know, in their 70s or 80s, you know, 'cause that's- That would've been like my parents. Like, I, I- Mm-hmm ... fully under- you know, it's like I can't un- I can't relate to what my dad's res- experiencing with my mom.
Toby Myles: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Amy Lokken: You know? So th- so that was interesting. Um-
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm ...
Amy Lokken: you know, um, yeah. But it, it- Yeah ... it, it was, it was beyond me. It was what was calling at the time.
Toby Myles: Yeah. Yeah. So, um, the one thing that I know that you ha- and I have shared, um, more, on more than one occasion is that it's, it's hard for other people to sometimes, um, understand going through anything like that, whether it's with your parents, you know, a sibling, a spouse, which w- we have both unfortunately experienced all of the above.
Amy Lokken: All of the above.
Toby Myles: And, you know, we kind of talked about like, um, you know, it takes being in a room with someone who understands that for us to be able to kind of like express ourselves. Like, how many times have you and I said, "Well, you know exactly what I mean, right?" Yeah. And so I guess I just, I would love to know how you feel that we as women can like help our sisters who are experiencing different things by giving them that space to, um, to express themselves, to express the heaviness of what's going on in life.
Um, not fixing anyone. We're not trying to fix anyone, but sometimes just, just having that space to just really grieve and say what's on their mind and know that the person on the other end, um, understands, understands it. So, um, I think you really, you do that really well, um, which is no surprise given everything you've gone through.
But how, how do you, um, you know, like in the real world, how do you think that, um, we c- can go about, each of us can go about kind of like allowing that space for other women?
Amy Lokken: Yeah. You know, um, well, interesting career pivot from Moo to, um, The Amy Factor. Uh-
You know, it... First we need to, um, be real with ourselves. And I think, um, and understand that everyone's going through something. So, um, our, y- Toby your and my life s- um, run parallel quite a bit. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know, between, um, you know, um, siblings and parent loss, sibling loss, um, spouses, um, health journeys.
Mm-hmm. And it's really, for me, um, it's opening up space for each other. Mm-hmm. And, um, and that we can be seen without being exposed.
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: And I think that's the, for, um, especially for women who are, you know, high performers and high achievers and, you know, we're independent and we're, we're still showing up, we're still doing all the things, we're still the one people, you know, call on and, and all that.
But, um, privately a lot of us are dealing with some pretty heavy shit.
Toby Myles: Yeah.
Amy Lokken: Okay? And, you know, we, we're bombarded with, you know, all the filters and all the, you know, performance instead of- Mm-hmm ... presence. You know, there, there's a fine line between that.
Toby Myles: Yep.
Amy Lokken: And I think, you know, we can be vulnerable without, um, oversharing.
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: Because when we become, um, when we start pulling down some of that performance and get real with each other- Mm-hmm ... we have so much more in common than we ever could have possibly realized.
Toby Myles: Yeah. Yeah. That is absolutely for sure. It's interesting because, uh, we, um, my husband and I are part of a support group.
Um, and I know a lot of my listeners know 'cause I've shared this journey before. He has multiple myeloma, and so we, we joined this, um, support group that meets once a month online, and it's caregivers and patients and it's run by a social worker at the hospital, a really lovely person. Um, but every time we're on one of these calls she checks in, um, s- with me specifically, but with others too, "Well, how are you doing?"
You know, so says, "How are you doing?" And I just feel like my first response is, "Well, of course I'm fine. Like, I'm not a rookie," you know? That's, that's my first response. And then I think, "Well, she doesn't really want, like, does she really wanna know, you know, that, you know, some days I just feel like, you know, overwhelmed and n- not knowing what is the right answer?"
And s- you know, one day you're feeling, like, hopeful about the future, and then you get a lab result and now all of a sudden your stomach is in knots, right? Like, she doesn't wanna hear all that Or maybe she does. I mean, I don't wanna, you know, assume anything. But that is, I think, how a lot of people feel when people say, "Well, how are you doing?"
How... You know, do they really wanna know? Um, and is that really the right, um, container for us to be able to just let it down, let our hair down and be ourselves and talk about things?
Amy Lokken: You know, I think you bring up a really interesting point there. Is it the right container? And, you know, my, um, my husband as well has a rare blood, um...
Well, he has a few different things . But, you know, we're currently in the middle of trying to figure out his rare, um, blood disorder and- Mm-hmm ... you know, what that looks like. And, um, going back to your point of when you, um, when you're asked by, for instance, a social worker, you know, yeah, it's probably a bit of their job.
I think for me, it's finding the community of, um, peers.
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm. And
Amy Lokken: I think that's the one difference I know in running the support group for Lewy Body that, um, you know, a year ago sitting in a hospital room going, um, "All right, God, universe, whatever, what exactly are you trying to tell me I am supposed to do right now?"
Yeah. As I'm reworking my schedule once again and trying to figure out. But there becomes this, um, this moment of grief. Mm-hmm. Like, we're blessed our hu- our husbands are, are here and they're, you know, thriving as they can right now and... But there's still a moment of grief that happens.
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: And no one, um, you know, God bless the social workers and, and all of those out there, but until you actually have that, that, that thread connection with somebody- Mm-hmm
who, when I hear your words, I feel you.
Toby Myles: Yeah.
Amy Lokken: You know? I, I know without even saying it, um, putting language to it.
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: You know? Um, and I think it's important for us to, to put language to, and, and shed light on some of that.
Toby Myles: Yeah.
Amy Lokken: You know? Because there is that aspect of you can- You can empathize and you can have compassion
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm
Amy Lokken: But until you've stood in, um, in those shoes or sat in that chair or, you know, listened or read the report or whatever and, and, and really, um, feel that emotion come over you
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm
Amy Lokken: y- we don't have the words for that.
Toby Myles: Yeah.
Amy Lokken: All we can do is feel our shoulders creep up into our ears, and our breath, you know, become a little more held in because we're, we're f- we're afraid. We're, you know- Mm-hmm ... we're, we're waiting for the next shoe to kinda drop. Yeah. And, you know, for me, I believe it's part of my mission to...
No, we, we don't have to just Get by enough to survive-
Toby Myles: Yeah ...
Amy Lokken: the wave, we can, we can still live a really beautiful life intentionally-
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm ...
Amy Lokken: while in it.
Toby Myles: Yeah. Yes. Absolutely. That's so beautifully said, because I, I do feel like I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me- No ... and our situation. I feel like we know, we know what we're dealing with.
Yeah. Um, we know that this is an ongoing thing, and, and we are living our lives in spite of it, right? We're not s-
Amy Lokken: Yeah ...
Toby Myles: sitting home waiting for something unknown or for the next appointment, whatever. Like, we are, like you said, living life intentionally. Um, and, and the piece you said too about, about grief, like grief is not just when somebody dies.
There are so many grief points, for lack of a better word, where you, you maybe grieve something you used to be able to do- Yeah ... you can no longer do because, or temporarily even, because of circumstances. So, um, I think that's really important too that, that people are able to express those thoughts and not just because someone passed away.
There's multi grief points along the way. Absolutely.
Amy Lokken: Yeah. I think- And e- and the grieving of the life you thought you were gonna be living too. Yeah,
Toby Myles: yeah.
Amy Lokken: And but being able to have that conversation- Mm-hmm ... with someone and to give you the d- per- different perspective maybe of, you know, I just had, um, a, a recent friend who, whose husband has brain cancer.
Mm. And, you know, um, you know, they're constant praying for a miracle and things like that. And, and, and she said, "But what if the miracle is the fact that he's still here?"
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: You know? And, and I'm like, "Ex- exactly." Right. Like, when we, when we're, when we're a little more honest in looking at the mirror and the reflection and saying, "Okay, you know, what is the beauty in, in this?"
Yeah. Because there really is that.
Toby Myles: Yeah, yeah.
Amy Lokken: You know, I, um... We have certainly spent a lot of time together -
Toby Myles: Right ...
Amy Lokken: in the last-
Toby Myles: Oh, yes ...
Amy Lokken: couple
Toby Myles: years. Exactly, exactly. And you know what's interesting about that? And maybe we talked about this before. Um, I posted something a few weeks ago on, um, social media about, um, Ken, and he was, um, selected to be a Spirit of Hope speaker at a myeloma walk, and we were really honored to have that.
It's happening in September. And, uh, my former boss commented on my post on social media, and he's experienced a lot of loss in his life, including his wife, um, about how these moments sometimes in a hospital room or in an infusion room are sometimes some of the most- beautiful moments where you connect so deeply.
And, and Ken and I have said that many times, that we, you know, we bring all these things, a book and a iPad or whatever, but we usually end up just talking about anything or nothing, and just being silly and goofy. And again, that's something that I think is hard for other people who haven't experienced it to understand that, um, like, you're, this is part of your life now.
And, and, and so you're not... Like to me, I don't wanna waste time on this earth grieving something that hasn't happened, right? And so we- Yeah ... those moments are so precious, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.
Amy Lokken: Oh, absolutely. And, and so true. And I think, you know, um, Chris and I do the same. We have lots of...
And we've always done that. You know, one of our favorite date nights was, you know, building a fire, having nothing, no TV, no music on, opening up a really great bottle of wine, and- Mm-hmm ... just talking. Like, that is, and that's how it's always been. And now we, you know, now we talk about, you know, even more interesting things.
And, you know, because there is something about being in those, those situations that open up a whole different, um, a different part of a relationship. And-
Toby Myles: Yeah ...
Amy Lokken: you know, but at the same time, whether you're going through them or not, and sometimes in the early stages, and we've been through a lot of different, um, different journeys that have, um, obviously prepared us for the- Mm-hmm
journey that, you know, we're both on right now. But it's one of those where it's like, hmm There was a point in time where, you know, for instance, in my 30s with my parents, I was like, "Okay, well, now I'm, I'm juggling this, and I have to juggle this, and I'm building a business, and I'm..." You know, and learning how to reframe that to I'm not juggling, I'm navigating.
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: I am doing what I do as a leader, as a business- Mm ... owner, as a- Yeah ... you know, steward of the world, you know? I'm, I'm just navigating. I'm navigating multiple logistics.
Toby Myles: Yeah. You
Amy Lokken: know? I think of it as a, you know, project for one of my clients or- Right ... you know? I mean-
Toby Myles: Yes ...
Amy Lokken: it is. But also giving myself that grace that it's also brain overload.
Toby Myles: Yeah. And, like- Yeah, yeah. For sure, that it's... it can be hard sometimes.
Amy Lokken: Yeah.
Toby Myles: And that sometimes you need a break, and you, you get to say that, "I need a break."
Amy Lokken: Absolutely. And by the way, uh, but caregiving tips were not m- were not written for actual caregivers.
Toby Myles: No, that is true. They're written by somebody else, totally.
So, um, so I would love, because you mentioned it, and I would love for you to share more about The Amy Factor, and then, um, where people... what it is, what you're doing now, and where people can find you and connect with you.
Amy Lokken: Yeah. Um, you know, well, The Amy Factor is, um, a- Oh, is being private counsel for, um, h- particularly high-performing women, achievers in heavy seasons, and really giving them, um, that space-
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm
Amy Lokken: and that clarity and the language to- Mm-hmm ... um, to be able to live with intention and do it gracefully. Yeah. You know, we, um, we're instinctively, I think as women, um, you know, good at navigating logistics in particular. You know, we're, we're, we're constantly the ones generally that people come to to keep the needle moving forward and-
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm
Amy Lokken: and things like that. But we also need to understand that just because on the outside we look, quote unquote, fine-
Toby Myles: Yeah ... doesn't
Amy Lokken: mean that we're not carrying a really- Yeah ... heavy load in private.
Toby Myles: Yeah.
Amy Lokken: And if you don't, um, have a resource or language for that, you will completely erode yourself.
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: So it really comes down to helping women understand that your self-respect is non-negotiable.
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: It is the infrastructure that holds you during heavy seasons.
Toby Myles: Yeah.
Amy Lokken: And, um, and I'm doing my dangdest to, um, to help women, um, not just survive it, but make it through-
Toby Myles: Yeah ...
Amy Lokken: and, and back to themselves.
Toby Myles: Yeah.
Amy Lokken: Because we, uh, w- throughout our lives, we are constantly, um, eroding our self-respect.
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: In, in s- not in a dramatic overnight way, but in these small concessions that we keep on, "No, I'll get to me later."
Toby Myles: Yeah.
Amy Lokken: There comes a point in time, and I'm living proof, that you can only defer, and you can only continue in over-explaining and, and, you know, saying yes when you mean no so many times-
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: Yeah ... before you, um, you all of a sudden feel like you're living someone else's life.
Toby Myles: Yeah, for sure. And I think that w- w- what you said, and I'm not sure I've ever really heard it s- said this way, but it makes sense to me, is that, um, not, um, not caring for yourself or prioritizing yourself is a way of disrespecting yourself.
Amy Lokken: Mm-hmm. It, it really is, you know? And, and it's... And I will say when I came to that realization, that was a really, um, that was a really hard thing for me to verbally say- Mm-hmm ... and admit to myself.
Toby Myles: Yeah.
Amy Lokken: That, um, you can... There's a, there's a distinction between performing and being present.
Toby Myles: Yeah. Yeah, for sure.
Yeah. So, um, so where can people find more about Amy Factor? And, um, you do have a, um, a limited pri- a podcast, I think. Um, several episodes. Am I right in saying that, that people can- Oh, yeah ... listen to as well?
Amy Lokken: It's called, it's called the, uh, it's called Quiet Strength. Okay. And it's actually a private audio experience that keep- people can, um...
There are 12 little episodes. Um, and it was really meant to, um, meet you where you're at.
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: You know, uh, your five minute drive between appointments.
Toby Myles: Mm-hmm.
Amy Lokken: Your 20 minute walk, you know? Wherever... 'Cause we don't have, we don't have the luxury of time.
Toby Myles: Right.
Amy Lokken: Time, time becomes your enemy at some point in a heavy season.
Yeah. Um, it doesn't have to be, um, but it does become.
Toby Myles: Yeah.
Amy Lokken: And, um, so I really wanted to create something. It's, it's, it's not overly produced. It's me having a conversation with you, um, in your ear-
Toby Myles: Yeah ...
Amy Lokken: to meet you where you're at.
Toby Myles: Yeah. Perfect. Well, we will make sure, um, that people know where to find that, um, to find Amy Factor, and then where can people connect with you online?
Amy Lokken: Oh, LinkedIn is a great place to connect with me, Amy Lokken. Um, and obviously through my website, theAmyfactor.com. But LinkedIn's probably one of my, um, best-
Toby Myles: Yeah, for sure. Amy, oh my gosh, this is amazing, as I knew it would be. Um, it's always just, it always just, I always come away from conversations with you just feeling like, I don't know, just refreshed and, um, just a little bit lighter.
Oh. I think a little bit lighter because I know you get me. Um, you get a lot of people, but I know you, I, I feel it. You definitely get me. And so I really appreciate you, um, agreeing to this and just talking so openly and honestly.
Amy Lokken: Oh, well, Toby, I was so excited for this 'cause I always love talking to you.
A- a conversation with you, as I said at the beginning, is, is truly soul and heart filling for me. Yeah. Because, yeah, we get each other.
Toby Myles: We do get each other. Well, thank you again for being here.
Amy Lokken: Thanks, Toby.